What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 05:23
My life is so biszare .
This is soul school!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
All the time i was locked up.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I have no regrets .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why is my ex mad I moved on when he dumped me?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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When she asked me how she looked .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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I said to her
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Put me off passion for life!!
Do humans know everything they need to know?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She found it foreign!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I write beautiful poetry .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I think the readers, may guess!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were not on the streets..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Comes on , in middle age.
I waited trembling.
She was in good health!
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot live in the past .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Who then, do I blame.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What did i know ?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And i lived it daily.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was 9 years of age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So whats the point in blame.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It was going to be , some day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ive learnt so much.
She wouldn,t have been !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was very sick at this time too.
I never cut or harmed myself..
(And it was in our own minds.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He knew the spot.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I don,t even have a pension.
I was scared of men, in general
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im still living with it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So, i spoilt her more .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She married twice! .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She loved him until the end.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But it wasn’t much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Would this be the day?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But, we were locked up after school.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor